I am afraid.
Fear played no role in Indra's birth. I felt strong, ready and able to take on anything. I'm not feeling that so much anymore. I am nervous and worried and doubtful of my abilities. I have even considered just getting the damn epidural and rolling over to the politics of hospital births. Me! I told Justin about this feeling and he was pretty shocked and said that this is so very unlike me and worried about where this idea was coming from. To be honest, I don't know. This pregnancy has been difficult in so many ways and maybe I am just tired. Maybe I am fearful of the hospital environment more than I think. Until now, I have not considered the experience of bringing Indra into the world as "painful." I remember it being very intense. Opening up my body, opening up my mind and soul, breaking open, splitting open, ripping open but trusting that this opening was okay and welcoming each contraction because it brought me closer to meeting my baby. I moaned out low "ooooooooooohhhhssss" and rocked my body back and forth. I closed my eyes and absolutely surrendered to the process.
I'm not sure I can let go like this in a hospital. I'm not sure I feel the strength and resolve I felt two years ago. I have struggled with chronic pain throughout this pregnancy and to be completely honest, I have kind of had it with feeling pain and being uncomfortable. So, I have been reading birth stories and trying to gain some confidence in myself. I do not want to separate myself from my baby and the birth experience by medical interventions. That is my conscious thought. My body feels differently, my body feels ready to give up....almost. Not really sure how to better say it than that. It is important to me that I at least try but I know that these sneaking doubts women have regarding their own strengths come crumbling down under the pressure of nurses and doctors offering a full array of medical interventions.
|From: Birthing From Within|