Possessng Drops of Rain

It is my sweet girl Indra's third birthday today and although Sparreaux's birth is much fresher in my mind, Indra's birth and how she came into our lives is the balance that all my other children's births rests upon.   Indra, the name, means possessing drops of rain or sky god.   Indra is the god that pushes up the sky and releases dawn.   Often mischievous but rarely punished.   The gods tool is called the Vajra (thunderbolt in Sanskrit) it is believed to represent firmness of spirit and spiritual power.   While Indra developed and grew inside of me, my life, my relationship, my job, everything was a mess.   Justin's alcoholism was reaching its apex with a major crisis every week at least.   When I would close my eyes and focus on this little being growing inside of me, I would see her floating in a sea of tears, incubated in sadness.  I came to rely on her strength; as she grew, I grew.   Not only was I preparing for her birth but I was also releasing the trauma of Clara and Ellie's birth.  I had never given birth vaginally before, I had been taught through the delivery of the twins that I could not trust my body and in the words of my OB "had a weak uterus."   I felt like a sapling in a storm.   I required a flexibility and potency never summoned before.   Through visits with my midwife and personal meditation, I was able to create a dialogue with Indra while she grew inside of me.   She whispered to me of her power, she handed me thunderbolts to throw when I was frustrated and scared, she allowed me to crawl inside and cuddle with her when I just couldn't take it anymore.   She created healing rains of tears to cascade through my days and lonely nights when I wasn't sure who I was anymore and questioned my faith in life.   So many times I wished her not there so I could go at it alone.  I felt like I was harming her by being so sad all the time.  That my baby would be born blue.
On the morning of May 16th at 8:20a.m, I pushed Indra into this world on my bed surrounded by Justin, Anne (midwife assistant), Katie (midwife), and Rachel (doula).   Indra would not be pressured into set timeline.  She came in her own way in her own time.   I had group B strep and could not afford to allow labor to go on and on after my water broke for fear of infection.   I felt a lot of pressure to make labor and delivery happen.   With my birth team hanging out on the evening of May 15th, my contractions would pick up and drop off and I was already 10+ hours from when my water broke.  I would get going at a good pace and I would think, "this is it!  This is what labor really feels like!" and then it would go away.  I felt like I was failing and I wasn't sure what to do with those feelings when I already felt so vulnerable.  My sagely midwife let Justin and I know that it was okay and we just needed some time to ourselves.   Everyone left and immediately the atmosphere changed.    A huge settling of energy and expectation took place.   I was able to tune back in to Indra and focus on trusting Justin enough to birth our baby together.   Justin and I took a shower, watched a funny movie and went to sleep for the night.   At about 3 a.m. I woke up with a shock.  I felt like someone had touched my tailbone with a jolt of electricity and I was whisked away to labor-land.   Justin called the birth team back to the house and I was none the wiser.   I fully pulled into my body and worked with the push and pull of the contractions.   I remember saying between contractions, "this is a lot.   This is really a lot."   My midwife agreed.   It was a lot.   
Five pushes and my baby was in my arms.   Those five pushes was the closing scene on years of believing that I was not able to birth a baby without a scalpel and a surgeon involved.  Those five pushes solidified my understanding of myself as a woman and a mother.  Those five pushes allowed me to lay to rest all of the fear and grievance trapped in the twins' birth.   And here she was, my little rain god creating yet another shower of tears, staring up at me with those deep grey eyes of the newly-born letting me know that we made it.   We did it.   Together.

Happy Birthday Indra.   You are a blessing every single day.   I love you and I am so grateful for you in my life.

All dressed up-celebrating three years of awesomeness!